A few months after my divorce, my mother asked me who my car insurer was. I just looked at her blankly. I didn’t have car insurance, I hadn’t got an MOT on my car – I later realised I didn’t have home insurance either. None of it had crossed my mind. I was extraordinarily lucky nothing went wrong.
At the age of 57 I hadn’t paid a household bill or had any handle on my finances since I had married almost 30 years earlier. Now divorced, I didn’t have a clue where to start.
Rob and I married on my 30th birthday – I wanted to get married before I turned 30. We had four children – my stepson and three children of our own. All of that time, Rob managed our money and I didn’t question it.
I just put my earnings in our shared account and that was that.
I kick myself now for being stupid and naive. But my dad had looked after my mum and Rob looked after me. It felt like a sort of safety net for me.
‘A few months after my divorce, my mother asked me who my car insurer was. I just looked at her blankly. I didn’t have car insurance, I hadn’t got an MOT on my car – I later realised I didn’t have home insurance either. None of it had crossed my mind. I was extraordinarily lucky nothing went wrong,’ writes Fenella Lindsell
I had a full-on job in the travel industry, then setting up a complementary health centre and as a yoga teacher – and to be honest the household finances never interested me.
Every so often I would ask him: ‘How are our finances?’ but it would often be late at night and he’d reply: ‘Why are you talking about this now?’. I’d say just because I was a bit worried, but then I’d wake up the next morning and not think about it again.
We never defaulted on payments and weren’t having anyone knocking on the door. But he was not always entirely reliable – that could be very tough.
My oldest son definitely had a bit of a chequered education because we kept running out of money and so we had to move him to other schools. But he’s done fine – they’re all OK.
Then during Covid we were in lockdowns and couldn’t be out and about doing our thing. And if relationships are already not working as they should, they become even more fractious and difficult in those conditions. It damaged a lot and soon after we separated.
Once our finances were split I had to learn to do things for myself. I didn’t even know what that meant. I’ve always been useless at maths – when I sat down to do my maths O-Level, I walked into the exam, wrote my name at the top of the page, drew a triangle and walked out because I didn’t know it or want to do it.
So I was terrified at the thought of sorting my finances.
Around that time at a yoga retreat in Greece, I was speaking to a lovely fellow and confided in him that I really missed my dad because he would have known how to help me. And he told me about his financial adviser, Louisa, who was good at explaining and talking you through things.
So I built up the courage to see her. And to my surprise I immediately felt safe with her – I could sense that she knew how to talk with people like me who are a bit rudderless and useless on finances. Strangely, the thing I was most terrified of was feeling like a fool. It makes you feel so vulnerable.
‘My confidence has grown and I know how to read the regular statements I’m sent about my pension. I look for the balance and how much it has grown – by 14 per cent last year – but I also know that sometimes it can fall and not to panic about it’
She helped me to set up an Isa and explained that I should move my allowance of £20,000 from my savings into my Isa every year to protect it from tax.
Louisa also helped me track down a pension that was started for me when I was working for a hotel group at age 27. You don’t think about them at the time, but even small sums can be worth something meaningful years later if they’ve been invested.
She talked me through how risk works and worked out how to invest my pension in a way that means it is growing but doesn’t keep me up at night worrying about it.
My confidence has grown and I know how to read the regular statements I’m sent about my pension. I look for the balance and how much it has grown – by 14 per cent last year – but I also know that sometimes it can fall and not to panic about it.
I also know how to get help when I need it – I’d rather stab myself than do my tax return, but even though my accountant does it I know how to check my cash flow – my incomings and outgoings.
Now that I’ve got my ducks in a row – I know who my insurance is with, where my mortgage is for my home in south London, how my pension is growing – I feel so much lighter. I still would rather play tennis than look at spreadsheets, but I now know how to do it.
I’d advise anyone who leaves the finances to their spouse to share the responsibility – I wish I had. You never know what is around the corner – divorce or worse.
My mother was also left in the same position as me when my father died, because he always looked after their finances and she hadn’t learned how to do it. Make sure your bank accounts and investments are in both of your names so that you both receive the statements and see what you have.
Even if there are household bills that your spouse pays, make sure you know what they are so you would know what to do if you had to take over the responsibility.
When you’re married to someone you share bringing up your children, you share cooking, you share your bed, you share your life – you should share your finances. I think it’s part of your commitment to one another.
So share the load, have an open mind and be willing to learn. Even if your husband or wife is good at managing the money, don’t feel intimidated to ask: shouldn’t this be a shared responsibility?
Start managing your money
‘It is not unusual for people to start thinking about their finances for the first time when they get divorced,’ says Charlotte Ransom, chief executive of wealth manager Netwealth.
‘Being widowed, retirement, selling a business or getting an inheritance are also common triggers – as well as things in the news such as a Budget statement.
‘It is not unusual for people to start thinking about their finances for the first time when they get divorced,’ says Charlotte Ransom, chief executive of wealth manager Netwealth
‘Women in particular find themselves in this position after a divorce, because the husband is more likely to already have had a wealth manager. It’s never too late to start. Often people come to me and say, “I’m embarrassed that I didn’t take charge of this earlier.” But the important thing is that you’ve done it now.
‘When people do engage with their finances and find out they won’t stretch to the things they want to do, they still go out feeling good. They have some control and transparency about what they have and can plan. What is terrifying is when you’re just playing around in the dark.’
Where to start: Government-backed money guidance service Money Helper has free impartial information at: moneyhelper.org.uk. The Mail’s sister website at thisismoney.co.uk has tools to help find a financial adviser.