Last week I wrote about alcohol and the devastating impact it can have on a marriage. I revealed that while drinking in itself is linked to higher divorce and separation rates, the evidence shows that the biggest factor is couples having different drinking habits.
My word, that struck a chord with a lot of readers! It resulted in one of the biggest post bags I’ve ever had, with many telling me that alcohol had ended their marriage.
The saddest letters and emails were from the drinkers themselves who, only in hindsight, saw the impact their habit was having on their other half.
‘Knowing that it was me to blame, not him, hangs over me even now, 15 years later,’ wrote one woman. ‘I lost my home, my wife, my children to the bottle,’ said another, adding that his wife had repeatedly asked him to cut down on his drinking but he ignored her until it was too late.
A number mentioned that, in the early days of their relationship, they were drinking similar amounts. Then, over time, things changed: they had children, they started to focus on their careers and so on – and they cut back. Their partners, however, continued to drink the same volume and suddenly the mismatch was a problem.
So this week I wanted to discuss how to bridge the gap if one of you is teetotal (or rarely drinks) and the other isn’t.
Relationships shift when one of you becomes sober – I know this because it happened to me. I’ve been with my partner for 15 years and, at the beginning, we both drank fairly regularly.
We never really drank to excess, but we’d have a glass of wine at dinner and enjoyed drinking on a night out. He was then diagnosed with a serious, progressive, inherited liver condition.
A number of readers said that they were drinking similar amounts as their partner in the early days of their relationship, but things changed over time
While this was an autoimmune condition that had nothing to do with his alcohol consumption, his consultant warned him that alcohol would speed up the damage being done to his liver, resulting in him needing a liver transplant earlier, and potentially even shorten his life.
Very sensibly he decided, with my full backing, never to drink again. But I was faced with a dilemma. I wanted to support him in his sobriety but I didn’t want to give up myself.
Through trial and error, we learnt that to strike the right balance we had to subtly change how we spent our time together to make sure that whatever we were doing wasn’t centred around alcohol.
My partner never asked or expected me to give up booze with him, and he has never complained when I have fancied a drink.
We made it work because we talked about things, made compromises and approached the issue with kindness and an appreciation of each other’s perspective. In other words: communication is key.
On the other hand, if alcohol has become the foundation for your entire relationship and is the only thing you have in common (or the only way you can tolerate one another) then one of you going sober is going to be hard to navigate. Sadly, in situations like this, it would probably be best not to be together.
Luckily, for most people this isn’t the case. I’ve actually found that my partner becoming teetotal has been wonderfully enriching, as it has made us focus on doing fun, interesting things rather than sitting on the sofa with a bottle of wine.
Here are a few things that helped my partner and me…
1) Plan to do things that aren’t centred around alcohol. It could be going to the theatre, a concert or a sporting event. If one of you wants to drink while you’re there, that’s fine, because it’s not the main focus. The occasion – not the wine – will be what you talk about afterwards.
2) Make sure your non-drinking partner knows in advance whether you intend to have alcohol, so there are no surprises on a night out. Find out what occasions your partner no longer enjoys and agree to either avoid these or go but remain sober yourself in solidarity.
3) Going to a party with your partner when you are both sober can be an eye-opener. It reveals how boring and tedious it is for them when everyone else is drunk and helps deepen your understanding of the challenges they are facing.
4) Never resent your partner for wanting to leave early if they are the only non-drinker. Support them and, preferably, leave with them.
5) Be aware of being drunk in front of the other person – talk to them about how they feel about this and, if they don’t like it, don’t do it.
6) Discover what drink the sober person likes and make sure you’re stocked up at home and take a bottle of it when you go to friend’s houses. Splash out on a fancy one every now and then (I recommend Fortnum and Mason Sparkling Tea) as it feels more like a treat. If you are having a drink at home, pour your partner’s non-alcoholic tipple in the same style of glass. It will feel like you are drinking together.
7) Step in if you hear someone trying to cajole your partner into drinking – ‘Oh go on, just the one.’ It’s almost always because that person feels threatened by someone not drinking as it makes them confront their own relationship with alcohol. Standing up for your partner sends a clear message that you’ll always have their back.
8) If you are struggling or feel resentful in an alcohol gap relationship don’t get angry. Instead, reflect on your own relationship with booze and whether that needs addressing.
A report published in the British Medical Journal revealed that between 2023 and 2024, ketamine addiction soared in England. Why, then, is this harmful drug still only class B? It gives entirely the wrong message to youngsters.
Kate’s care journey
Kate Garraway said: ‘Caring takes over your whole life’
Kate Garraway has revealed she still wakes up in the night panicking that she hasn’t given her late husband Derek Draper his medicine. So many people who’ve been carers will understand this.
Derek died at the age of 56 in January 2024 after a four-year battle with long Covid. She explained: ‘Caring takes over your whole life. You don’t begrudge it, but you suffer because of it.’
This perfectly sums up what it’s like to be a carer. It’s an enormous responsibility that becomes a way of life, something that dominates all your thoughts and impacts on every decision you make. And then, when that person is no longer there, it can take a long time to adjust.
When you’re so used to putting yourself second, it’s not easy to switch that off.
Sir Tony Blair said Britain needs to embrace ‘AI doctors and nurses’. Failure to do so, he warned, risks leaving the country lagging behind. Am I alone in finding the prospect of an AI doctor rather chilling? Yes, for some things, such as analysing blood tests or interpreting scans, AI might do a good a job. But for most doctors, practising medicine is an art with the actual science bit often taking a back seat. It’s about building a relationship and trust and establishing a meaningful, human connection. I know all my patients and care about them deeply. I really don’t believe AI can replicate this.
Dr Max prescribes… The Gift Of Teenagers by Rachel Kelly
Full of tips, wisdom and advice on how to survive and thrive living with teenagers, this book is an absolute must for any parent with teenagers or tweens. With input from experts in mental health and child development, it gives adults an invaluable guide to understanding the bewildering world their teenagers have to contend with.