One night last week, my husband, Tom, and I got into an argument. The next morning, I was still fuming. So I gave him the silent treatment.
For the uninitiated, the silent treatment is when a person intentionally refuses to communicate with you — or in some cases, even acknowledge you. It’s a common maneuver that’s used in all sorts of relationships, said Kipling Williams, emeritus professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University who has studied the effects of the silent treatment for over 30 years.
The tactic I was using on Tom is one that researchers from the University of Sydney call “noisy silence.” That is when a person tries, in an obvious way, to show the target that he or she is being ignored — such as theatrically leaving the room when the other person enters.
I’m ashamed to say that this was me. When I wordlessly left for work, I glared at Tom and then dramatically slammed the door.
Using the silent treatment is tempting because it can feel good, temporarily, to make the other person squirm, said Erin Engle, a psychologist with NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center. But, she added, it can have long-term consequences in your relationship.
I asked experts what to do if you’re getting the silent treatment — or if you’re feeling the urge to give it to someone else.
If you’re tempted to freeze someone out …
Some people think the silent treatment is a milder way of dealing with conflict, said Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.
But it isn’t, she explained. “The silent treatment is a punishment,” she said, “whether you are acknowledging that to yourself or not.”
For the person who is being frozen out, it creates “anxiety and fear, and feelings of abandonment,” Dr. Saltz said, and it often causes a “cascade of self-doubt, self-blame and self-criticism.”
And it hurts, Dr. Williams added. His research suggested that being excluded and ignored activates the same pain regions in the brain as physical pain. “So it’s not just metaphorically painful, it is detected as pain by the brain,” he said.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask for a timeout instead, Dr. Williams advised. You can say: “I can’t talk to you right now, I’m so upset. I’m going to go for a walk and I’ll come back in an hour.”
Give a clear time when you will be back and willing to talk, so you don’t leave things open-ended, said James Wirth, an associate professor of psychology at Ohio State University at Newark who studies ostracism. Ambiguity, he said, is part of what makes the silent treatment “really lethal.”
And remember: While using the silent treatment may give you a sense of power and control, Dr. Williams said, it’s also draining. It takes work to enforce “this behavior that’s unusual and contrary to norms,” he explained, “so it takes a lot of cognitive effort and a lot of emotional effort.”
If you’re on the receiving end …
There isn’t much literature on the most effective way to break the silence, Dr. Wirth said. The only true suggestion based on the research, he said, is that it should be stopped.
If you’re up for it, he said, write a note or appeal to the person directly rather than prolonging the silence.
To reestablish connection, try to summon your empathy, Dr. Saltz said. Though she acknowledged that could be hard. “You think, ‘Why can’t they just talk to me?’ Like, ‘This is terrible, no sweat for them,’” she said.
But that’s not necessarily true, she added. The person may have worked themselves into a state of distress, she said. “It actually isn’t easy for them,” she said. “It is hard for them.”
Dr. Saltz suggested approaching the person with openness and curiosity by using the following script: “It makes me feel that we can’t move forward when you’re giving me the silent treatment. I want to understand what’s happening with you. I don’t want you to feel upset. I want to make things better between us. And I need more information about what is happening with you in order to do that.”
And while many of us are guilty of using the silent treatment once in a while, Dr. Saltz added, if, say, a partner is chronically and frequently handling all conflict this way, then “it’s fair to qualify that as emotional abuse.”
In a calm moment, ask your partner to brainstorm other ways of solving conflict, Dr. Saltz said.
If that doesn’t work, Dr. Engle said, you might suggest the two of you go to therapy, so you can both learn more effective ways of handling disagreements or being emotionally overwhelmed.
If your partner is unwilling to try therapy, Dr. Saltz said, then go yourself, “to unravel the part you play in the interaction and get guidance on how to manage the silent treatment when it’s happening to you.”
My “noisy silence” with Tom lasted only a few hours, but next time, I’ll talk it out instead of shutting him out. When I came home from work, he offered me a bag of cookies from a bakery I like, although he shouldn’t have had to resort to a bribe.
Still, my motto is “accept all cookies,” so that cracked the ice.
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