In his work as a couples therapist, Terry Real sees people asking more from their romantic relationships than ever before. They want deep intimacy. Romantic walks on the beach. Great sex well into their 70s.
“We all want gods or goddesses that are going to complete us and heal us,” Mr. Real, the author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” said onstage Wednesday at the New York Times Well Festival in Brooklyn. “The reality is, we’re stuck with a person who is just as imperfect as we are.”
The good news? Learning a few simple relationship skills can help couples navigate the ups and downs of long-term intimacy.
Give up on being right.
It’s easy to think that one of you is inherently on the winning side of an argument and that the other has it all wrong.
But Mr. Real often tells his clients: “Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”
Instead of fixating on sides, Mr. Real recommended thinking of your relationship as a “biosphere.” You live inside of it, and it is in your interest to keep it healthy. When you’re in the thick of a tiff, remind yourself it may ultimately be in your own best interest to prioritize protecting that biosphere over proving a point.
And if you still find yourself stubbornly clinging to the idea of being right, ask yourself: How do I want to use my time? Do I want to spend the evening arguing? You might quickly realize that finding common ground with your partner is more appealing than winning the fight.
Ask for what you want.
The top mistake people make when they’re fighting with a partner is not being clear about what they actually want, Mr. Real said. He often sees clients who are stuck in a vicious cycle where one partner is griping about the same things over and over again, while the other pulls away.
But don’t confuse asking for what you want with grumbling about what you think your partner is doing wrong, he cautioned.
“Complaining about how distant your partner is is not going to evoke a generous response,” Mr. Real explained. Complaining is not a vulnerable act, he said, but being honest about what you need is — and that openness can help elicit a more compassionate response from your partner.
Take on your partner.
That kind of honesty is particularly important as time goes on. Mr. Real often preaches about the importance of having what he calls a “relational reckoning.” Essentially, that means asking yourself whether you are getting enough from the relationship to be OK with what you’re not getting.
In long-term relationships, “couples stop dealing with each other,” Mr. Real said — often simply because it feels easier. “We say we’re compromising, but really, we’re settling,” he cautioned. “Resentment builds up. Generosity dies.”
But it is important to “take each other on” — particularly in long-term relationships. Dare to tell your partner what you want and need, and to be vulnerable, he said.
He did not sugarcoat how difficult those conversations can be. If you and your partner are struggling to take each other on with compassion, Mr. Real advised, “drag your partner to a therapist.”